Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
WWE is French for “yes”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?