Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?