Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out