Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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“so what brings you to therapy today?”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
They must have gotten it to go.