Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Nose
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
ibopfufen
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad