Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭