@illTortuga: Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can
@Sickayduh: [Titanic] Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign. Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat- "What about Leo?" Steward: No. Leo dies.
@causticbob: My wife said "You only love me because my father left me a million pounds." "That's not true, I'd still love you whoever left it to you"
@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.