@illTortuga: Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
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@pattioshankable: I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."