I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”