@illTortuga: Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
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@BruceForce: * Falls down rock face * Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely * Slowly reaches for pocket * Pulls out phone * Checks twitter notifications
@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@kidphonic: Fear of hospitals isn't irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I've had a kid following me around calling me "mom" ever since.