someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
You Might Also Like
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When they try to steal your moment.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Who says great literature is dead?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice