@theshamingofjay: Just tried to even up my sideburns and now I'm a hairless cat.
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@timdonakowski: Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
@usermcuserface: Tigger: according to this book, we're both apex predators. Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny.. ( turn their heads) Piglet: oh shit
@MatCro: GF: I'm moving out if you don't stop pretending you work at a supermarket. ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?