*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My husband鈥檚 solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
the three branches of government
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it鈥檚 been a while since I鈥檝e had it- mac & cheese
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Him: I鈥檓 a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I鈥檓 a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That鈥檚 really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you鈥檙e drunk.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She鈥檒l forget about it, but I鈥檓 still getting her one when she turns 16.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.