Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….