Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.