Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.