Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
584.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
why would tinder want me to say this
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
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