@byrdie_num_num: Just updated my resume. Changed 'ambitious' to 'am-no-longer-bitious'.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dave_cactus: ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE
@jazmasta: *strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Leonard Nimoy died today. Co-worker: From Star Wars? *goes home* Wife: How was your day? Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
@BumbleDC: *accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY