@byrdie_num_num: Just updated my resume. Changed 'ambitious' to 'am-no-longer-bitious'.
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@WilliamAder: Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have? Me: Don't feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
@hipstermermaid: The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
@Honeybuckle: Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn't, maybe consider being nicer to me.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Where's the dog? *flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer* ME: I let him outside.