@byrdie_num_num: Just updated my resume. Changed 'ambitious' to 'am-no-longer-bitious'.
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@Dani_Feld: What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich? What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
@DaddyJew: Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
@Kyle_Lippert: "How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."