Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Same pineapple, same
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again