@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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@IamEveryDayPpl: My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!
@NicestHippo: Facebook has a link to "Report a Problem" so I wrote "I'm not very close with my father." Now we wait I guess
@iscoff: Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.