@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@semenphantom: *opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples* "The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared."
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
@KalvinMacleod: Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine
@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.