@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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@Reverend_Scott: dog 911: what's ur emergency? dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD? dog: [whimpering] dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
@baeblacksheep: Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm....
@StellaRtwot: Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY'RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!