@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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@ArfMeasures: *sees "The customer is always right" sign* *the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths "not you"*
@ilovepie84: I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"
@NakedHangover: If it's true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?