Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up