Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails