Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV