Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You Might Also Like
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer