Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.