Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots