Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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getting corrected
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install