Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!