Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.