SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Omg 🤣
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
🙁
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.