If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”