Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.