just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???