Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
pizza
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Found the job I’m suited for
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds