@Home_Halfway: Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he's murdered.
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@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..." - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school
@Notawhiner: Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her "good morning solar eclipse" Yeah, don't do that.
@dru0887: If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?