@Home_Halfway: Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he's murdered.
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@crunchenhanced: For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”. How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
@Gre_Gone: Me: *ziplines into wedding* "Sup nerds?" *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down* Priest: "Ooh a piñata!"
@Mr_Kapowski: *Boss approaches desk* "What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See? I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"