Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
knights of the ikea table
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!