Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.