@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

@LuvPug: To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

@OverlandParker: Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

@sofarrsogud: GUY: *cuts me off in traffic ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!! *angrily waves spoon

@downfront: Scientists discover that Jupiter's moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, "Oh, hell no."