Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
i meant to share this earlier
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days