@SeeEllVee: Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don't get all the cancer today!
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@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
@My_Higherness: Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor. We don't care...as long as there is shaking.