Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
ACED my prostate exam!
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
liiiiiiiiike
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet