Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
How I like cutting carbs
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.