Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Stop sending me this shit.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Never forget.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.