half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?