I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…