@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
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@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs? Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
@ItsAndyRyan: 4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby