@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
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@TheLesbianTwin: a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
@daemonic3: [gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying] "It's negative" Lemme see it [reads] 'Not prego. Just fat. And ugly' Wow that's really negative
@TheIronSherk: If my ex had an autobiography it would be called "Mein Cramps" What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?