Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You Might Also Like
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.