Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.