@FinallyHeSleeps: Just went into a women's restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
@scottdedalus: Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
@dragonsorbet: [Confession] "I killed a man" "Wait what" "Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?"
@topaz_kell: I love horror movies until it's time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.