@FinallyHeSleeps: Just went into a women's restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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@shatty48: Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@thejamietighe: Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body. Who's ready for music? Not you. You have tetanus
@UnFitz: We're at the top of the food chain, but let's not be too full of ourselves. After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
@ABurgerADay: [first day as car salesman] Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?