@FinallyHeSleeps: Just went into a women's restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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@alexwyse: Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis.
@michaelianblack: All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.
@Quartzjixler: Speed dating (Don't say anything embarrassing) "So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?" (DAMMIT!)
@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline. *black eye forming Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.