Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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Catering service
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.