Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂