A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Imma just leave this here…………
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*