My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Hmmmmm
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh