If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You Might Also Like
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*