@Moldy_Jellybean: Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
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@daemonic3: *wakes up early on weekend *makes 12 pancakes *wakes kids up "Daddy, can we have waffles today???" *eats 12 pancakes
@Jez1: You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
@OrvllShrednbchr: Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I'm self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
@carlyken: Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep