triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
next question.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.