Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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Generation gap…
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.