Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
i smell a pulitzer
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
THE AUDACITY. 😤
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Not helping
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.