@House_Feminist: Just when I thought we'd avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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@LizHackett: Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
@bananagrvyrd: Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
@bornmiserable: "It's never too late to get the beach body you want," I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
@XplodingUnicorn: My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.