Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.