Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.